Now a Diary about a Healing Journey

 

A new year a new me. 

I have had this blog for more than ten years now.

I started writing whilst in the midst of an abusive life. (No, it wasn't a situation or a phase, it was one shitshow after another.) 

I appreciate that the previous writing is quite bad, but I'm going to leave it as a testament to how my brain was working when under extreme stress. 

This past decade has been the most tumultous of my life. The stressful lead up the implosion in '14 and then the psychological, emotional and ultimately physical carnage in the aftermath. 

Somehow, my children and I survived it. We were in absolute tatters for a while but we have definitly found ourselves on the road to healing. And a road it is, for coming out of the tempest has allowed us to experience the beginnings of a new journey that includes a plethora of wonderful things. 

My young adult children are all slowly finding their way. And I, middle-aged and not young anymore, am also finding my way. I am acutely aware, that as their one and only true emotional and psychological anchor, I need to continue to fight for my wellbeing, if I am going to teach them how to do the same. 

So, though this story has been told many times before, I am going to try and give regular briefings of my version: All the daily battles I face, as I try to overcome a lifetime of cruely and dehumanisation. 

I am aware that this is perhaps one of the hardest goals anyone can set for themselves, but I am determined to identify and rid myself of the 'splatters' of toxic, dysfunctional and maladaptive behaviourisms which were forced into my psyche. 

We always hear about the 'healing journey' and change from within. Nobody ever told me that it would be the hardest battle I have ever fought and not as easy as battling 'others' who are so easy to identity as enemies that need to be opposed and vanquished. 

I want to conquer myself. Take away all of the toxic surivival habits that I was forced to adopt and reveal and revel as my true self, the innocent and pure young child I once was. The one who never did any wrong to anyone and who did not deserve to be subjected to such maltreatment. 

I don't want to give a detailed account of the abuse. However, I do want to give a detailed account of my recovery. So, let's see where we go from here.

Beauty Trust Haikus

Complete trust is the yoke 

of faith, a wren

sits under the winter snow. 

Warts and all beauty, 

is the most fantastic kind -

where a heart has grace.

Seeing In Today

Falling down from the life that I knew,

in hindsight I was in survival mode all along.

How could I not be strong when it was the only option?

Looking back, it is clear as a bright day,

I endured and survived such abuse to stay alive.

How could I think straight when I was always fighting?

I walk today in the shadow of my past self,

A terrified child of in the midst of a catastrophised life.

How could I be anything else amongst all of that destruction?

It is strange to have clarity after years of chaos,

a lifting of the mist above the peace hidden by strife.

How can I do anything less than what I must do to thrive?