Now a Diary about a Healing Journey

 

A new year a new me. 

I have had this blog for more than ten years now.

I started writing whilst in the midst of an abusive life. (No, it wasn't a situation or a phase, it was one shitshow after another.) 

I appreciate that the previous writing is quite bad, but I'm going to leave it as a testament to how my brain was working when under extreme stress. 

This past decade has been the most tumultous of my life. The stressful lead up the implosion in '14 and then the psychological, emotional and ultimately physical carnage in the aftermath. 

Somehow, my children and I survived it. We were in absolute tatters for a while but we have definitly found ourselves on the road to healing. And a road it is, for coming out of the tempest has allowed us to experience the beginnings of a new journey that includes a plethora of wonderful things. 

My young adult children are all slowly finding their way. And I, middle-aged and not young anymore, am also finding my way. I am acutely aware, that as their one and only true emotional and psychological anchor, I need to continue to fight for my wellbeing, if I am going to teach them how to do the same. 

So, though this story has been told many times before, I am going to try and give regular briefings of my version: All the daily battles I face, as I try to overcome a lifetime of cruely and dehumanisation. 

I am aware that this is perhaps one of the hardest goals anyone can set for themselves, but I am determined to identify and rid myself of the 'splatters' of toxic, dysfunctional and maladaptive behaviourisms which were forced into my psyche. 

We always hear about the 'healing journey' and change from within. Nobody ever told me that it would be the hardest battle I have ever fought and not as easy as battling 'others' who are so easy to identity as enemies that need to be opposed and vanquished. 

I want to conquer myself. Take away all of the toxic surivival habits that I was forced to adopt and reveal and revel as my true self, the innocent and pure young child I once was. The one who never did any wrong to anyone and who did not deserve to be subjected to such maltreatment. 

I don't want to give a detailed account of the abuse. However, I do want to give a detailed account of my recovery. So, let's see where we go from here.

Beauty Trust Haikus

Complete trust is the yoke 

of faith, a wren

sits under the winter snow. 

Warts and all beauty, 

is the most fantastic kind -

where a heart has grace.

Seeing In Today

Falling down from the life that I knew,

in hindsight I was in survival mode all along.

How could I not be strong when it was the only option?

Looking back, it is clear as a bright day,

I endured and survived such abuse to stay alive.

How could I think straight when I was always fighting?

I walk today in the shadow of my past self,

A terrified child of in the midst of a catastrophised life.

How could I be anything else amongst all of that destruction?

It is strange to have clarity after years of chaos,

a lifting of the mist above the peace hidden by strife.

How can I do anything less than what I must do to thrive?

Suffocating Realism

Civilisations are born, thrive and expire through an infinity,
Powers change in the blink of an eye to become mythical
And as we bear witness to the expansions of every empire,
The methodology to acquire power is as duplicitous as ever.
The common people often gain little but empty venerations'-
For honourably sacrificing their blood for the aims of the few.
Universally it is idealism which ignore the realities of power
But yet still, there is no greater quest than that of higher ideals,
Even as the idealistic venture sometimes into blind foolishness;
It is realism that stagnates and festers without hopeful dreams,
As in narrowness of practicality, there is consistent suffocation.

J. Bibi

Ode to Existence

Battered and broken are the shattered remains of every heart
often to be found in every nook, cranny and corner of the earth;

Fighters of eternity grieve not for wounds of time and place
but in painful hindsight look at the losses and betrayals faced.

Hollow are the known victories of conflict not graced by dignity-
and shallow are the claims for the dead in their dubious morality.

And as in time the mind reels with a vague comprehension
that such are the turns in the fairground of human existence.

As we, pieces of the puzzle fight for the privilege of calm stupefaction;
To let the arrow of life, fly, towards a slow and determined affirmation.

~ J.Bibi

Gaza

Hm...Eid was hard.
Tense celebrations-
Personal issues
-political realities
Gaza is heartbreaking
as are all the other conflicts
but no less than those 
dying from hunger everyday.
I'm grateful for my lot..
I can't forget their lot. 
Perhaps that is my excuse
...or my salvation.

J.Bibi

Privilege

Gentle spring breeze,
kiss the crisp sky alight
And crown with warmth
The privilege of a full life.

J.Bibi

Perspective

A year of heartaches.
Of trauma, of revelations
the future looks bright
despite the stormy
clouds that rearrange
Come what may,
In the storms of change-
through steadfast courtesy
the moment was never lost.

J.Bibi

Self

 
The bigger the turmoil-
The more the need to hold on to Self. 
Self helps to steer through the storms
Self helps to see through the dark
Self helps to understand the chaos
Self helps to survive the turmoil of living
Self is a conscious spark of the Universe.

- J.Bibi

Reality

As dreams get choked by the clasp of realities,
The mundane chains and fragile struggles,
Balance out stories where people live in fantasies,
Motivated by many a pattern of beaten troubles
The goals become real and the work easier,
As day by day and through never ending defeats,
The contradictions of reality become clear.

J.Bibi

The Leaf

Once in school, in an art class,
The teacher told us to collect a leaf and then lay it into a tray of paint.
We were then told to pick it up and put it
Paint-side down, onto a plain piece of paper.
The leaf was imprinted onto the paper and the teacher asked,
If we noticed all the little lines that looked
Almost like human blood vessels?
Even though the leaf was dead, it was not dry.
You could not crush it in the palm of your hand
And turn it into ground dust.
That day, I was taught a great lesson.
Even leaves which seem to be dead-
As they are not attached to any plant that sustains them,
Are not actually dead until you can turn them into dust.
It occurred to the child-me then,
That maybe the same is true for humans.
Maybe you can be 'alive'
Even if you're supposed to be 'dead.'

J.Bibi

Aftermath

I'm so afraid
I've lost my way
I can't believe that you've gone away.
I can't find your face-
There is no trace
Of your light.
I said goodbye
But I can't believe
That you would really leave.
It hurts so much-
The pain deafens me-
I can't stand this hurt
The loss of you is unbearable.
These days are so hard,
I sat and watched you disappear,
Night and day I wondered-
How would it be if you went away?
I'm so so afraid
I can't seem to find my way,
I know there is a chance-
To make a difference
But I have to get it out,
This fire that burns
So painfully within,
I must release it-
To start to live again.
Automatically I move
Trying not to jolt the rhythm,
Everything is normal-
Everything is the same
But I'm hurting so much inside,
I just can't take this pain,
I guess now too clearly I know,
My life has forever changed.

J.Bibi

(Written in 1995)

Prayers and Presence

They say, that gratitude is a prayer. 

I've seen so many religious people

Not ever, pray

Without 'conditions.'

I don't have an issue with my

brothers and sisters in humanity

who have no desire for a personal 'god.'

Even as family members of the same nuclear family,

We still all have to walk our own paths. 

And those who are religious 

and really should know better than most,

Should know, that we all reach our own crossroads, in our own time.

It's not about belonging in the same club-

It's about being an unearthed presence.

- J.Bibi

 

 

Today

Today....is the oldest you've ever been
And the youngest you'll ever be again.
Today, the rain beats down on your head
And the sun shines on your face
In a way that might not happen, ever again.
Today the mess of the world grows,
As powerfully as the hope in your heart-
Let today be a long moment to reflect appreciation,
Let today be a short journey to grateful consciousness,
Let today be a patience in the face of fickle mortality.

 J.Bibi

 

 

Time Will Tell

Holding on to the reigns of a force called time,
Holding on to a small hope that things will change-
That the flowers down-trodden will continue to grow-
That the laughter will stay for longer than just a day;
All are small ways and struggles to keep eternity at bay.

All the lies used to spin the webs that trap the unsuspecting-
So that the powerful can continue to feast with blind impunity,
Are signs of a universal heartless greed and terrible insecurity
And so to harness the mind and control all in the skies and on earth,
Is the way time will tell the tale; of how the wars of men were won...

J.Bibi

Awakening

The intricacies of life confound
And confuse in equal measure,
The most straightforward of all
Are the most blessed, yet
In times of reflection and in turmoil-
The mind expands and bends.

J.Bibi

Subliminal

The covers of time on live beings are seamless,
For the lines of chalked vision present no defects,
From the shimmering of all shown light, regardless
Of the depths within which arise all known effects,
We must stand still and observe the silent derision
And watch supersonic beings who help us to delve
into the minuscule dimensions of keyhole visions.
As power is reduced to every superficial fantasy,
Few dust off the cobwebs that routines of division
Help duly weave for all obedience and conformity.
As the necessity of balance and continuity flows-
Yet such is the transparency of the life we know;
That the eyes are bound by the heart in every way
And every truth is known through subliminal play.

J.Bibi

Earth Waters

Ever onwards move the relentless waters of life,
Not stopping for rocks or logs through surges of strife.
As always and with ease, agitating precious beliefs
And sometimes churning out gnawing griefs,
These ripples and patterns of fluid rhythm,
Silently help to create huge bubbles in time.
But just as easily can form every oasis of calm
As within the frenzied whirlpools of pain and harm-
Do our powerful Earth waters constantly flow.
In currents of strength, are quenched the needs and hurts,
Of people from vast mountains, forests, plains and deserts;
Of all our humanity buried and borne on a trembling thirst

The fluidity of our nature makes us malleable forms,

Powerful enough to create and resist all kinds of storms.

- J.Bibi 

Blazing

The realities of the life fight,
Highlight specifically the nature of time-
The lack of focus sometimes makes it all blurry,
The deceptive ticks of the clock melt into years-
As everyday life rejects and rejuvenates fickle ideals-
Through the sheer horror of pain
And the struggles of the spirit,
Small signs of redemption does the path give,
As the cold heart is constantly warmed,
By the sun blazing defiance of anger.

J.Bibi

Soft Breeze

Soft breeze is gentle;
The earth cradles the spirit-
And heart is soothed.


- J.Bibi