Now a Diary about a Healing Journey

 

A new year a new me. 

I have had this blog for more than ten years now.

I started writing whilst in the midst of an abusive life. (No, it wasn't a situation or a phase, it was one shitshow after another.) 

I appreciate that the previous writing is quite bad, but I'm going to leave it as a testament to how my brain was working when under extreme stress. 

This past decade has been the most tumultous of my life. The stressful lead up the implosion in '14 and then the psychological, emotional and ultimately physical carnage in the aftermath. 

Somehow, my children and I survived it. We were in absolute tatters for a while but we have definitly found ourselves on the road to healing. And a road it is, for coming out of the tempest has allowed us to experience the beginnings of a new journey that includes a plethora of wonderful things. 

My young adult children are all slowly finding their way. And I, middle-aged and not young anymore, am also finding my way. I am acutely aware, that as their one and only true emotional and psychological anchor, I need to continue to fight for my wellbeing, if I am going to teach them how to do the same. 

So, though this story has been told many times before, I am going to try and give regular briefings of my version: All the daily battles I face, as I try to overcome a lifetime of cruely and dehumanisation. 

I am aware that this is perhaps one of the hardest goals anyone can set for themselves, but I am determined to identify and rid myself of the 'splatters' of toxic, dysfunctional and maladaptive behaviourisms which were forced into my psyche. 

We always hear about the 'healing journey' and change from within. Nobody ever told me that it would be the hardest battle I have ever fought and not as easy as battling 'others' who are so easy to identity as enemies that need to be opposed and vanquished. 

I want to conquer myself. Take away all of the toxic surivival habits that I was forced to adopt and reveal and revel as my true self, the innocent and pure young child I once was. The one who never did any wrong to anyone and who did not deserve to be subjected to such maltreatment. 

I don't want to give a detailed account of the abuse. However, I do want to give a detailed account of my recovery. So, let's see where we go from here.

Beauty Trust Haikus

Complete trust is the yoke 

of faith, a wren

sits under the winter snow. 

Warts and all beauty, 

is the most fantastic kind -

where a heart has grace.

Seeing In Today

Falling down from the life that I knew,

in hindsight I was in survival mode all along.

How could I not be strong when it was the only option?

Looking back, it is clear as a bright day,

I endured and survived such abuse to stay alive.

How could I think straight when I was always fighting?

I walk today in the shadow of my past self,

A terrified child of in the midst of a catastrophised life.

How could I be anything else amongst all of that destruction?

It is strange to have clarity after years of chaos,

a lifting of the mist above the peace hidden by strife.

How can I do anything less than what I must do to thrive?

Suffocating Realism

Civilisations are born, thrive and expire through an infinity,
Powers change in the blink of an eye to become mythical
And as we bear witness to the expansions of every empire,
The methodology to acquire power is as duplicitous as ever.
The common people often gain little but empty venerations'-
For honourably sacrificing their blood for the aims of the few.
Universally it is idealism which ignore the realities of power
But yet still, there is no greater quest than that of higher ideals,
Even as the idealistic venture sometimes into blind foolishness;
It is realism that stagnates and festers without hopeful dreams,
As in narrowness of practicality, there is consistent suffocation.

J. Bibi

Ode to Existence

Battered and broken are the shattered remains of every heart
often to be found in every nook, cranny and corner of the earth;

Fighters of eternity grieve not for wounds of time and place
but in painful hindsight look at the losses and betrayals faced.

Hollow are the known victories of conflict not graced by dignity-
and shallow are the claims for the dead in their dubious morality.

And as in time the mind reels with a vague comprehension
that such are the turns in the fairground of human existence.

As we, pieces of the puzzle fight for the privilege of calm stupefaction;
To let the arrow of life, fly, towards a slow and determined affirmation.

~ J.Bibi

Gaza

Hm...Eid was hard.
Tense celebrations-
Personal issues
-political realities
Gaza is heartbreaking
as are all the other conflicts
but no less than those 
dying from hunger everyday.
I'm grateful for my lot..
I can't forget their lot. 
Perhaps that is my excuse
...or my salvation.

J.Bibi

Privilege

Gentle spring breeze,
kiss the crisp sky alight
And crown with warmth
The privilege of a full life.

J.Bibi